Ramblings of a Loud Pacifist Redux

You encouraged me but you didn’t inspire me. I found in you and unconditional love that I realized I could not reciprocate. I could very well imagine the rest of my days without you. I found out why the caged bird sings, despite the gleaming gold of its enclosure. More than anything I felt like it was a debt I could not repay so I declared myself bankrupt. Quite simply: I loved you, but I was not in love with you.

I get it. I’m the kind of crazy bitch that turns amazing guys into the stories you hear about Hollywood cashing in on. I didn’t deserve you. But you are not what I needed either. An excellent man who loved me relentlessly just wasn’t enough, apparently; no matter how good I have it, I always find myself searching. Maybe it was my wandering eye or my persistent lack of complacency, but I couldn’t help but feel there was more out there. I love you, and I always will, but I found out that wasn’t enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. Not for me. Not right now.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m going to regret, but I would rather find out I had a love and lost it, then to never really, truly find it. But ours wasn’t the kind of love that inspires unjustifiable actions and indescribable tremors; not for me. And it’s very probable that I’m looking, or rather waiting for something that doesn’t exist, but at least for now, I’m content with thinking that I would prefer to die trying. Whether I actively try or not, the search for that high inspires me. And this cloud I’m on that sustains itself on the new and exciting may disintegrate, and I guess I’ll have to change my strategy then, but there’s no use in concerning myself with that now when I feel so damn good.

How do I know you’re not the one? Because my gut has never failed me before. How do I know I’m going to be okay? Because I’ve racked up enough karma. And you are going to be just fine, too.

I cannot stress enough how much I love you and am forever grateful to you. But I couldn’t go on the rest of my life with you simply because I felt indebted to you. You were just what I needed when you came along, but I came to realize that our time together was evanescent, that this just wasn’t enough for me. That I fell in love with the idea of who you could become, and not who you were. That I, in fact, did not fall in love with you, but grew fond of how you made me feel…safe and loved.

I miss you, but in a greedy way, as in I’m not used to being alone and I fear not finding someone who loves me as much as you do, but I quickly get over it, because although I realize I ask for a lot, I’m not the only one with these realistic albeit far reaching expectations. And I don’t want to settle. I want to meet and experience interesting people that inspire me and enrich me. But I think it’ll be a while before I decide to settle down with anyone because I realized I wasn’t ready for forever.

At one impulsive moment, very early on, I wanted to marry you because you made me feel like I was worthy, but I realized that feeling didn’t, and shouldn’t come from you, but me. I tell everyone who asks that you were the perfect boyfriend. And you deserve nothing less because as far as I’m concerned, you never failed me; you gave me so much, just not what I needed.

You fed me but you didn’t nourish me. You gave me to drink, but you could not quench my thirst. And I don’t believe either one of us is to blame for this mishap. You were in love and I was confused. For two years. Two beautiful years that I would never give back. Two years that I can’t give back because they are a part of my story, as you will always be.

I tried. Believe me when I say I did all in my will to convince myself that you were the elusive “one.” And that’s just it. I’m not saying maintaining a relationship doesn’t take work, but convincing oneself of said love should never be the circumstance. Breaking up with you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and though I doubt the decision frequently, at the end of the day I am certain I made the right call.

I’d like to say I selflessly let you go so you could find someone who deserved you, but in reality, it was a pretty selfish decision. And though another may eventually come into my life, if I’m being honest, I left you for me; I’m going to find in her that person I will unapologetically love, and only then will I share her with someone who deserves her. I wish you the best of luck in your own search.